May 5, 2008 | Book One, Book Stuff, DA Series, Draven Atreides
New York City, October 2003
Central ParkFifteen-year-old Olivia Chevalier stomped her feet to keep them warm in the snug, fur-lined Ugg boots. A shiver traveled down her back as her eyes made another sweep around the area. She was perched on a bench near The Pond, the south end of Central Park. Despite the chill, mothers had brought their kids out to feed the ducks. Olivia tucked her hands in her armpits, and crossed her legs until they were practically entwined. Wrapped in jeans, a bulky red sweater, her favorite purple suede coat, black leather gloves, white cashmere hat and a long, purple cashmere scarf covering the lower half of her face, she shouldn’t have been feeling cold. Physically she was warm, but emotionally, she was cold down to her bones. Numb. And all the leather, suede, and fur-lined clothes in the world would never keep her warm again. Her life had been good for a while. Not great, but she’d been happy for the first time in her life since she’d been dropped into the foster care system at birth.
The “first time” had been John and Abby Asher, who’d raised her until she was seven years old. One of the few happy times in her early life had been playing in Sauna Springs pond in Apple Valley, Ohio. A tire swing had hung on one branch, a rope dangled off another, and the picnics. It had been the local watering hole for a bunch of kids on neighboring farms. Sitting on four corners of four different properties, Sauna Springs had been a manmade pond that had somehow remained cool during the summer and deep enough to dive.
After losing them, it had been two months before she’d been placed again. Devastated, she hadn’t said one word to her new family, Laurel and Danny Kincaid, for a month. They’d had a farm in Virginia. It hadn’t taken her long to get back into farm life again, to continue her home schooling. For almost four years it had felt like she was still living with John and Abby. Then Laurel, who wasn’t able to have children, suddenly became pregnant with twins. Two new babies, plus the upkeep of a farm equaled India Asher-Kincaid back in the system. Again. Only to be plucked up by Vian and Derek Chevalier and taken to Manhattan.
TO BE CONTINUED…
REMINDER:
~ You are reading a raw, unedited version of A Royale Pain: A Draven Atreides, Teenage FBI Novel (Book One). This is pre-professional edit, pre-spell check. Expect to see grammar mistakes and misspellings.
~ Comments are welcomed, appreciated, and may be taken into consideration during the current revision process.
~ Get to know Draven beyond the book by checking out her blog.
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The Bleeding Rose says:
Ooo. I love it. I really like how you described everything.
cate says:
Even though Olivia is only 15, she seems very grown up.
Shenell Keanna says:
i have to agree with the bleeding rose.
i love the hearty description, i’m visual
person when I’m reading and i got a sense of where
the character was. GREAT JOB!
And thanks for the advice, celise!
Just a girl says:
Yay for Miss Snitch Mondays!! =)
OK, so some totally little stuff, but I just think it sounds better/less awkward:
Fifteen-year-old Olivia Chevalier stomped her feet to keep them warm in the her snug, fur-lined Ugg boots. A shiver traveled down her back as her eyes made another sweep around of the area. She was perched on a bench near The Pond, at the south end of Central Park.
Also, I hate to be picky (seems I can’t read without editing!) but I have a thing about cliches, and therefore have a problem with “And all the leather, suede, and fur-lined clothes in the world would never keep her warm again,” even though I get what you’re trying to say.
A tire swing had hung on one branch, a rope dangled off another, and the picnics where laid/spread on the (grassy?) bank* beneath the leafy boughs/shade.
*do springs have banks?
And for some reason, I have a problem with the word “had”…
-Sauna Springs had been a manmade pond that had somehow remained cool during the summer and was deep enough to dive into.
-For almost four years it had felt like she was still living with John and Abby.
Maybe it was just me, but I was slightly confused by the use of the words “first time” in the first line of the second paragraph, I thought you were referring to her happiness, not her foster homes…
Two new babies, plus the upkeep of a farm equaled was not a big enough equation to include India Asher-Kincaid. She was back in the system, again, only to be plucked up out (rescued?) by Vian and Derek Chevalier and taken (whisked away?) to Manhattan.
That said, I’m enjoying the story and can’t wait to hear more! Great introduction to her life.
x
Just a girl
Just a girl says:
OK, so I just realised my strike-throughs didn’t work, so basically my comments are in italics; therefore, the first sentences are supposed to read:
Fifteen-year-old Olivia Chevalier stomped her feet to keep them warm in her snug, fur-lined Ugg boots. A shiver traveled down her back as her eyes made another sweep of the area. She was perched on a bench near The Pond, at the south end of Central Park.
When I said the picnics where laid/spread, I mean were…
This should read:
And for some reason, I have a problem with the word “had”…
-Sauna Springs had been a manmade pond that somehow remained cool during the summer and was deep enough to dive into.
-For almost four years it felt like she was still living with John and Abby.
Two new babies, plus the upkeep of a farm was not a big enough equation to include India Asher-Kincaid. She was back in the system, again, only to be plucked out (rescued?) by Vian and Derek Chevalier and taken (away/whisked away?) to Manhattan.
Sorry about all that!!
xo
JAG
Celise says:
TBR - Thank you oh so very much. I think it’s both a strength and a weakness of mine.
Cate - Yes. I wanted it that way. If you read the history about the series then yoyu know she graduated from high school at the age of 13. And when she got stuck with a not-so-nice foster couple, she had to make some very grown-up decisions.
JAG - thanks for all the suggestions. I’ll have to take a look and see what I’ve written (funny how we write… and then promptly forget.) When I sent this off to my editor she mentioned that I was giving too much history. I shouldn’t put “all my eggs in one basket” so to speak, but to spread it around (it is a series after all). She wanted me to start off with something more dramatic. Keep in mind that I’m currently in the middle of revisions, so I’m sure a lot of this stuff got cut already.
Celise says:
Shenell - Glad I did such a great job. Hopefully, I kept to that in the revisions.
miz says:
I think that teens can relate to this story. And i think you are doing a great thing directing your writing talent towards teens. Good luck in all you do!
Celise says:
Miz - I’m hoping that girls will be able to see a little bit of themselves in Draven in that they can overcome anything, stand strong, and give back. Your kind words are greatly appreciated.